I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
