I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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