mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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