1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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