I should be sponsored by Trojan
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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