my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
