yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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