Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
