Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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