he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
