guys are only as good as the porn they watch
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
