Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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