My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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