remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
