if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
