this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
