you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
