Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
