i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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