I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
