More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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