Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
