I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
