I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need moral support for this bender
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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