when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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