Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I am one with the molecules
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
