very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
