im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
