Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
