If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
