he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
