dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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