T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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