So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
