I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
