so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
