Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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