My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
