capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
