I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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