Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
