My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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