and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
