Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This baby is an asshole
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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