It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
