Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
