if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
that may or may not have been my penis.
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