Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
