Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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