I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
