I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
